I Want It Back
by 1loveforall
Summary: Eiri has driven Shuichi away, forever. What are his thoughts about what he did?


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of gravitation.

Genre: Angst

Rating: NC-17

Summary: My response to a story titled Pay It Forward by SexyRyu28. Was listening to Ricky Van Shelton's Statue of a Fool.

Character: Eiri Yuki

**I WANT IT BACK**

I've been sitting here everyday since you went away. Though the one to blame for you leaving is looking at me in every reflective surface that I pass. Why did I think that nothing could ever break you? Why did you have to give me your precious love? Why didn't I see how I would hurt you? Why did I betray you? Why did I treat you like he treated me? As I sit here all I can do is ask myself why? Why as tears course down my face. All I see as I close my eyes is your broken body. Unable to speak as you drew your last breath. I haven't really stopped crying since the time I held your broken body to my chest. I'm hurting so bad that I couldn't even leave the house to go to your funeral. Maybe it was my way of not saying good-bye. The one statement I never accepted from you.

_**Flashback**_

_What the hell is with me ? I think as I watch the stranger violate you. He was just a body of convenience, you were never to have known. I deliberately turn my back on you as you cry out my name. I wonder did you do the same thing the night that Taki Aizawa did this to you? After he leaves I can only hear your broken cries as you lay there. When you finally emerge I wonder if I had finally managed to push you away? I see you trying to catch my eye but the guilt of what I just did to you is sinking in. When I hear you say good-bye and see you leave with your bag I knew I had to try to make amends. _

_When I reached the street below I searched everywhere for you. How the hell did you get so far ahead of me? I wondered. Where were you Shuichi? My mind cried out. When I heard that woman scream, my heart stopped beating. Especially to see you on the roof. Oh god please don't shu-chan. Please get back. No don't do it. I screamed not once caring what anyone else thought. It seems as if you didn't hear me. You ignored my pleas just as I ignored you the night before. My heart being crushed in my chest as you plummet towards where I'm standing. It was crushed when you finally came to rest. I can't hide the tears that flow from my eyes. As you fell I realized what I so carelessly threw away. I'll beg to whoever I have to that you make it. Hell I'd sign a pact with the devil if only you'd make it. Sadly enough it wasn't meant to be. Your final words " I won." echoing like a mantra of sadness over the cost and then you were gone. _

I can still see your blood on my hands. I can hear your barely audible sentence. I can still see the confusion in your eyes at the sight of my tears. What I wouldn't give to go back and do everything over. I'm sorry Shuichi, I can't help but chant as I cling to your pillow. I lye in the darkness and all I see is you plunging to earth. I replay every second of it over and over wondering what I could have done to stop it. I know you would never have done this if I hadn't betrayed you first. Again I killed the one I loved.

Now I truly know what hell is. I won't let anyone into the apartment. The media is trying to get a statement from me. Hiro promised me when he saw what you had done that the next time he would beat the shit out of me. The rage in his eyes was so warranted. Even Mika and Tatsuha are pissed at me. Tomah is disappointed in me but no one is as disgusted with me as I am with myself. Your family think I am the devil incarnate. Your father feels that if you had never met me you would be here today. He's right you know Shuichi. Your mother wonders how I could be a romance novelist when I know absolutely nothing about love. Your sister can't even bear to look at me. I can't tell anyone what was going through my mind at that time because I honestly wasn't thinking. I should have known this was the straw that would break the camels back To foolishly throw your love away is the sin I take to my grave.

I realize to late Shuichi that I love you. You were the light in my darkness. You were the warmth to my coldness. You were the laughter to my sorrow. You were everything to my nothingness. You were the music to my silence. Like a fool I disregarded the fact that it could all go away. Kami-sama gave me a precious angel to love to make up for the hurt in my life. When he saw that you weren't being cared for the way he wanted, he called you home. Only now that your gone do I realize you took my heart with you. What were you thinking as you fell to earth. Did you curse me? I took your wings away in hopes you would never leave me then I tarnish you in a away that no one should ever be. I betray you like he betrayed me. Only worse since I know how the pain of that type of betrayal feels. For that you left me forever. I can never beg for your forgiveness. Please believe me Shuichi I would beg.

Since you can't come to me I ask for you to be patient. I'm coming to you. I'm coming to give you what I should have in the first place. I hope that in our next life we can have another chance. I want the warmth, the laughter, the music, the everything. I'm coming for you Shuichi. I'll be with you soon. Be prepared for me my love, because all I can say Shuichi is I want it back. I want everything that your death took away. I want the love that I so foolishly took for granted. I only hope in death that you will give me another chance. What I most want is you and your love. Soon. When I see you again Shuichi I want it back.

A loud rapport of a gun firing was the only sound that broke the early morning gazed sadly at the body of his brother-in-law. The one thought repeating itself was _I hope you find Shuichi, Eiri. I hope you will be happy again. Farewell._


End file.
